Five Get Righteous in Dorset
by Talia Fisher
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Crookshanks the cat. This is my rather strange and hopefully funny satire of how the HP characters would have been had they been born 50 years earlier, and described by Enid Blyton. No offense intended to anyone and remembe


Wizard Adventures - Five go Righteous in Dorset

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The story: It is the mid 1930's. Our story is set in the sunny county of Dorset, then blissfully free of foot and mouth, and a place where many a dream have come true. It is a lush area of open meadows, country tracks, and mysterious woodland. Horses graze happily in every field and red squirrels chatter in the ancient oak trees. The sun always seems to shine.

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The characters: 

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Harry: aged fourteen. A handsome boy, with dashing features and piercing green eyes, Harry's favourite pastime is climbing trees, and solving mysteries.

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Ron: aged twelve. Freckle-faced and flame-haired Ron is always getting himself into scrapes, but always finds a way to save the day. His best friend is Harry, who he really looks up to.

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Hermione: aged eleven. Hermione is a tomboy, and refuses to be called anything but 'Herm'. Immensely clever, she prefers to spend her time riding her pony, Freckles, to learning at school.

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Ginny: aged ten. The younger sister of Ron, she has frizzy ginger hair, which she wears in two plaits, and she loves to cook and generally mother the other three.

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Crookshanks the cat: aged one year. This ginger moggy accompanies the four on all their adventures, and has a special gift for sniffing out criminals on their many mysteries. 

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Are you sitting comfortably? And now, to the story itself…

Ginny is in the kitchen. She is taking freshly picked lemons from a wicker basket on the oak table, and carefully squeezing each one into a glass beaker to make lemonade. Ron comes into the kitchen.

Ron: I say! Ginny, you old brick, what a splendid idea! Just what I need on a hot day like this!

Ron and Ginny both gaze wistfully out of the bay window to the sunlit garden. Ginny hands Ron a glass of lemonade.

Ginny: *****sighs*** **It's been_ever_ such a long time since we all had an adventure together, Ron. I know! Why don't we take our bicycles and cycle into the countryside for a few days!

Ron: Sister darling, I always said you were a genius. That is the most tiptop idea I have heard in a long time! This is corking lemonade, by the way! I shall telephone the other two right now.

Ginny: And I'll start to put together a hamper _bursting_ with scrummy food!

The next day…

The four friends are riding through a sunlit dale in the middle of Dorset. Crookshanks the cat is safely in his wicker basket bound the handlebars of Herm's bicycle. Every so often he is letting out plaintive mews.

Herm: I say! Crookshanks is getting a bit restless all cooped up in this basket. What do you say we stop soon and have some of Ginny's scrumptious hamper for lunch?

Harry: Wizard idea, Herm! Ginny's food is what I live for! *Ginny blushes petulantly* I say Ginny! I hope you've made some corned beef sandwiches like usual!

Ron: She has! And lashings of ginger beer!

Herm: Super! I have a real thirst for some nice sun-warmed British ginger beer!

The five find a suitable clearing in the forest, and rest their bicycles against trees. Ginny throws down a tartan rug for them all to sit on.

Ron: Harry! What do you say us boys find some firewood, and the girls' cook us lunch!

Harry: Sounds like a cracking idea to me, Ron.

Herm: Ron! I may be a girl, but that doesn't mean I should have to do all the women's work! I'm a tomboy! Leave all the cooking to Ginny. She loves all of that nonsense.

Ginny nods emphatically. Ron and Harry sigh, and exchange a world-weary glance. 

Harry: Come on then Herm. Let's have a race to find the most firewood in a forty-seven seconds! Ready, steady, go!

Ron, Harry and Herm run off into the trees, leaving Ginny who is busy poring ginger beer into mugs with each persons' name on it. Forty-seven seconds later, and the three come dashing back into the clearing, laden with firewood.

Harry: I win!

Ron: *grumpily* You _always_ win, Harry. *He brightens* But I found the two pieces of flint!

The four of them then proceed to knock the two pieces of flint together for half an hour, until Herm finally manages to get a spark, and lights the firewood. Ginny pulls out a frying pan, and slaps rashers of bacon onto it, and some baked beans. As Ginny cooks the lunch, the talk turns to political matters.

Harry: I say Ron, I do think the government should return to the Gold Standard.

Ron: *who has not the faintest idea what Harry is talking about* Oh yes, I think so too, Harry old chum. 

Harry: Then we're agreed.

Both boys nod sagely. Herm suddenly looks up. What's this, dear reader? Hermione, a mere girl, is about to embarrass us all…

Herm: I think that we should stay off the Gold Standard, so that the pound can reach a level that will keep our exports competitive. 

Harry and Ron regard her with contempt.

Author's voiceover: The girl has foolishly attempted to join the conversation with a wild and dangerous opinion of her own. What half-baked drivel. See how the boys look at her with derision. Women! Know your limits!

Now, let's see the proper way…

Harry: I say Ron, I do think the government should return to the Gold Standard.

Ron: Oh yes, I do think so too, Harry old chum. 

Harry: Then we're agreed.

Herm: Why, I'm sure I don't know anything about the Gold Standard, but I do know that I love sweet little kittens, and dahlias are simply charming. *She hugs Crookshanks, who growls*

Harry: What a lovely thought, you sweet friend, Herm. How we all adore your little ways.

The four dig into their lunch, which Ginny has served up. She watches the other three happily. Harry looks at his watch.

Harry: I say, everyone. If we're to reach Crow's Nest by nightfall, we'd better get going now.

Everyone gets to their feet, and Ginny quickly rinses the plates in a handy nearby stream, and packs everything away into the hamper. They cycle along the hedge-lined roads for a few hours, basking in the eternal sunlight, and playing eye-spy along the way. It grows dark, and eventually they reach their destination. Ginny looks worriedly up and the foreboding shadow of Crow's Nest hill.

Ginny: I say, pals. That building on top of the hill look very scary. Let's avoid it.

Ron: Wacco! Let's explore it!

Harry: No. They'll be time for adventures and mysteries risking life and limb later on. But we need our supper now. Ginny?

Ginny rummages in the hamper, and emerges shame-faced.

Ginny: I… only packed enough food for lunch.

Ron promptly slaps her bottom. Ginny wails and grizzles, and throws herself to the floor where she beats the ground with her chubby fists.

Herm: I say, Ron. That wasn't a very sporting thing to do to your own sister.

Ron: I don't care. She's being beastly. *To Ginny*: That's for being a bone-idle girl.

Harry: Do be quiet Ron. Act your age. We need to find food, and we need it quickly. Everyone knows that intrepid mystery detectives have to have a full stomach to work.

Harry scours the horizon.

Harry: I know. We'll catch a rabbit, and skin it. 

Ginny's sobbing had subsided to a dull roar, but suddenly she starts up again.

Herm: Be a sport Gin, and do shut up. You'll spoil that ace sailor dress, lying on the ground like that!

Ginny: Hawwy! Youw can't kiww a bunny wabbit! 

Harry: Just stop me!

He strides heroically towards the sunset. Ron watches him go, in awe. Some minutes later, the remaining three hear a "Gotcha!" from the bushes. They glimpse Harry walking back towards them, a wild rabbit in his grasp.

Ginny: Harry, no! Don't hurt the dear little creature, please! I'd rather starve!

Harry: That is a very babyish attitude, Gin. The rabbit won't feel a thing. I know it seems cruel… but this is real life.

Ginny gazes at him adoringly. Harry grabs a rock from the ground, and whacks the rabbit over the head twelve times.

*

Ron: Mmm! *Pats his belly* That was delish!

Harry: *smiles ingratiatingly* It was nothing… I say! Why don't we explore that rather queer looking building now?

The others scramble up to follow him, and walk up the hill to the crumbling house.

Ginny: Oh! It's so scary!

Ron: Where's your sense of adventure, Gin?

Harry carefully pushes open the cobwebbed door. It creaks very loudly. All jump, including Crookshanks. They tentatively step inside to see a candle-lit hallway that is dark and damp smelling.

Ginny: Gosh and golly! I'm scared!

The others ignore her, and they tiptoe down the hallway. Suddenly, they hear a piercing scream. All freeze.

Ron: What in the blazes was that?

Herm: It's not safe here, let's get out.

Harry: No! Someone's in danger and it is up to us intrepid explorers to save them! We're their only hope!

Ron: You're right, as always Harry. Come on girls, follow us!

They walk down to the end of the corridor is. There is a single door, with a plate of glass set in it. Ginny peers through.

Ginny: I say! There's a queer looking boy sitting on a rocking chair, all alone! He looks about fifteen!

Harry: Let me see, you foolish girl! Hmm… I think we should go in. He could hold the clue to the mystery!

Ron: You're right! Let's go!

Harry slowly pushes open the door. The boy jumps up to face them. He is about fourteen or fifteen, with silver-blonde hair and grey eyes.

Harry: I say! Who are you?

The boy: Get out! What are you doing in my house?

Ron: We're intrepid detectives, come to save the world! What's your name? I'm Ron Weasley.

The boy: *suspiciously* My name is Draco Malfoy. There are no mysteries in my house!

Herm: There are! We heard a woman scream!

Draco: *laughing* Get out of my house, you fools. There are no women here. Get out, I say!

Ginny: No! There's a lady in trouble. Let us past!

The door behind Draco suddenly swings open, and two men step into the room. One is a tall and fair, with pale skin and piercing eyes, like an older version of Draco. Crookshanks growls at them, and swishes his tail.

The man: And what might you children be doing in my castle?

Harry: We're here to save the lady in distress! We heard a scream!

The second man steps forward into the light. He has blonde curly hair, and wears a queer-looking robe of lavender silk. He smiles, blushes and dimples ingratiatingly.

Man: I believe that might have been myself. Gilderoy Lockhart, at your service!

Herm: That was woman we heard! It was a high-pitched scream.

First man: My name is Lucius Malfoy. *He takes the arm of Gilderoy* You see, my innocent little children, we are gay.

Ginny: You don't look too happy to me!

Lucius: Ha ha ha. Such innocent minds. Gilderoy and I are homosexuals. We… enjoy each other's company.

Harry: Homosexuals? You foul and disgusting perverts! Homosexuality is against the law, and punishable by death! We shall go to the police right this minute, and you shall both get done!

All five back away as Lucius smiles in a rather alarming manner.

Lucius: Is that right?

Harry: Don't touch us! Not only are you a sinful deviation of God's race on earth, but you enjoy killing women!

Lucius and Lockhart sigh with exasperation.

Lockhart: There is no woman, you fool. The scream was me… Lucius really knows how to… give a man pleasure. 

Herm: That is disgusting!

She covers Ginny's ears. All five run down the corridor towards to Dorset sunlight, which has suddenly come out in the middle of the night. Suddenly, a loud voice comes from above them.

Voice: Din-dins! Din-dins! Come and have some nice din-dins, darling!

All look around at each other in amazement. Harry opens his mouth to speak, then shuts it again.

Crookshanks opened his eyes to see the face of Hermione crooning five inches away from his face.

"Nice bit of chicken and tuna?" she says. Crookshanks pads down the corridor in her wake, his stomach rumbling. That had been one strange dream. Ginny had been reading to him from an odd book called the Famous Five… It must have been that. Crookshanks purred as he wolfed down his supper. Who ever said that cats didn't dream?


End file.
